Not only does this help me now, I wish I had it back when math totally overwhelmed me. We had to go to the blackboard every class to show our work. I only ever had one math teacher who, as you describe, would help me stand there (shaking) and show me that the numbers won’t hurt me! Thank you for all your help. 🥳📝
I look at it this way, with no living with the anxiety , there is no resetting the alarm at a lower stimulus. So in that sense opportunities to desensitize are good for me.
What you’re describing is called exposure. Exposure works when you allow the uncomfortable feeling without avoiding it, not when you try to label it as an “opportunity” or talk yourself out of it in the moment. The nervous system calms down only after it learns, through experience, that the feared outcome does not happen.
Two key points:
1. You don’t have to like the feeling or think positively about it. You just have to stay with it without escaping, distracting, or fixing it.
2. If someone responds to the feeling by seeking reassurance, distracting themselves, overthinking, or trying to do the task perfectly, the brain does not learn safety. The alarm often gets stronger.
With procrastination, the problem is usually not the task, it’s the urge to avoid the uncomfortable feeling that comes before starting. When a person allows that discomfort and starts anyway (for a short, defined time, without rescue behaviors), the brain learns that nothing bad happens.
Over time, the same situation triggers less stress.
So yes, acceptance matters, but desensitization happens through staying with discomfort without avoidance, not by reframing it in a positive way.
Laurie, my daughter has a very strong tendency to procrastinate, and one of the things she procrastinates most often is delaying bedtime. It seems to take her extreme conditions to regularly go to bed in order to get at least 7 hrs of sleep. She is a very hard and competent worker, but procrastination is a constant battle for her. Your protocol starts with the need for getting 7 hours of sleep, which is her problem. How can she make this happen? She is 50 yrs old and living alone.
Hi Jenny, this is such a common pattern, especially in capable, conscientious people.
What your daughter is experiencing is often called bedtime procrastination. It’s usually a mix of depleted self-control at the end of the day, a nervous system that hasn’t fully downshifted, and the brain’s desire for a little “me time” once external demands finally stop.
I would frame it this way, sleep doesn’t start at bedtime; it starts hours earlier. Waiting until night to “decide” to go to bed is asking the most tired version of yourself to make the hardest choice.
A few practical entry points that tend to work better than willpower:
1. Pick a wind-down start time, not a bedtime. Treat it like an appointment she keeps no matter what, even if sleep comes later.
2. Make bedtime a cue-based habit, not a decision: same light, same music, same final activity every night.
3. Protect one small, guilt-free pocket of “personal time” earlier in the evening so the brain doesn’t feel like bedtime is stealing something.
Aim first for consistency, not duration. Going to bed at the same time, even if sleep is imperfect, usually fixes the 7-hour problem over time.
She’s stuck in a loop where the system makes the wrong behavior the easiest one. Once the environment and timing change, sleep usually follows.
Hi Peg. Great question. Since freezing is essentially a survival response, trying to force action often backfires. The most effective route is usually to make the immediate task laughably small, so small it doesn't register as a threat to the brain. It’s about lowering the bar until the resistance melts away.
When your chat notice appeared on my screen, I felt a ping of anxiety. You wrote that you had just posted an article on procrastination and hoped to hear responses from your readers. I am such a hardened procrastinator that my first response was, “I’ll read it later.” (You knew that joke was coming, right? Only, sadly, it’s not a joke.) I have so much respect for your work, admiration for your ability to communicate complex medical workings, and gratitude for how you’ve impacted my life, I felt obligated to read it, as painful as I felt it would be. Well, that’s a paradox, isn’t it? Why would it be painful, I wondered. Why wouldn’t I be eager to gain both insight and a strategy to assuage the cycle of procrastination that has plagued my entire life? This was my first clue. Something in me feels procrastination is necessary to live. It was difficult to begin to read this article. I knew it would dismantle a survival mechanism deeply lodged in my brain. But by now, I trust you have the best interests of your readers in mind. I trust you are dedicated to healing and wholeness beyond a brain’s deeply grooved misperception. As I do with all your articles, I transferred it directly from my inbox to my “Goodreads” app, where I keep all your articles together. But unlike any of your previous articles, I read it immediately, with highlighter in hand. The accompanying animation didn’t play in Goodreads, so I opened Substack to see it, and then read the entire article again. I will study it often. I learned I am genetically predisposed to procrastinate. I learned that, as a trauma survivor, I already have a large amygdala which sets the threat/anxiety/protection/procrastination loop in motion. I learned tools to interrupt its pattern in gentle, sustainable ways. For all this I am very grateful to you, Dr. Laurie!
Reading your note moved me deeply. First, please know that the 'I'll read it later' joke is one I never tire of, mostly because I know how much truth sits behind it!
I am so touched that you trusted me enough to lean into that discomfort. I am honored to be a part of your journey toward wholeness, and I’m so glad the insights about the amygdala and genetics offered you some clarity and self-compassion. Thank you for being such a dedicated reader and for sharing your heart with me.
I am thankful I did not inherit the tendency to procrastinate. If anything, I’ve had to tell myself it's ok to leave the clean laundry in the basket ,not for avoiding putting it away, but to give me space to slow down.
It is difficult to watch others postpone projects. I especially like your suggestion of talking to ourselves. It seems like our mind can hear and understand if we express our concerns. I don’t think we have yet learned to use our breath as a tool for changing our bodies' emotions. Being present and in the moment while slowing breathing is an effective way to speak to my body. Would you consider procrastination a habit that can be changed? Your research is saying even though it feels like it's hard-wired for some people, it can be changed.
Not only does this help me now, I wish I had it back when math totally overwhelmed me. We had to go to the blackboard every class to show our work. I only ever had one math teacher who, as you describe, would help me stand there (shaking) and show me that the numbers won’t hurt me! Thank you for all your help. 🥳📝
You’re welcome, Carol. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
When we get into a situation where our safety alarm goes off irrationally, don’t we desensitize by accepting feeling as an opportunity?
I look at it this way, with no living with the anxiety , there is no resetting the alarm at a lower stimulus. So in that sense opportunities to desensitize are good for me.
Hi Carl.
Yes, but there’s an important correction.
What you’re describing is called exposure. Exposure works when you allow the uncomfortable feeling without avoiding it, not when you try to label it as an “opportunity” or talk yourself out of it in the moment. The nervous system calms down only after it learns, through experience, that the feared outcome does not happen.
Two key points:
1. You don’t have to like the feeling or think positively about it. You just have to stay with it without escaping, distracting, or fixing it.
2. If someone responds to the feeling by seeking reassurance, distracting themselves, overthinking, or trying to do the task perfectly, the brain does not learn safety. The alarm often gets stronger.
With procrastination, the problem is usually not the task, it’s the urge to avoid the uncomfortable feeling that comes before starting. When a person allows that discomfort and starts anyway (for a short, defined time, without rescue behaviors), the brain learns that nothing bad happens.
Over time, the same situation triggers less stress.
So yes, acceptance matters, but desensitization happens through staying with discomfort without avoidance, not by reframing it in a positive way.
I hope that clarifies it.
Laurie, my daughter has a very strong tendency to procrastinate, and one of the things she procrastinates most often is delaying bedtime. It seems to take her extreme conditions to regularly go to bed in order to get at least 7 hrs of sleep. She is a very hard and competent worker, but procrastination is a constant battle for her. Your protocol starts with the need for getting 7 hours of sleep, which is her problem. How can she make this happen? She is 50 yrs old and living alone.
Hi Jenny, this is such a common pattern, especially in capable, conscientious people.
What your daughter is experiencing is often called bedtime procrastination. It’s usually a mix of depleted self-control at the end of the day, a nervous system that hasn’t fully downshifted, and the brain’s desire for a little “me time” once external demands finally stop.
I would frame it this way, sleep doesn’t start at bedtime; it starts hours earlier. Waiting until night to “decide” to go to bed is asking the most tired version of yourself to make the hardest choice.
A few practical entry points that tend to work better than willpower:
1. Pick a wind-down start time, not a bedtime. Treat it like an appointment she keeps no matter what, even if sleep comes later.
2. Make bedtime a cue-based habit, not a decision: same light, same music, same final activity every night.
3. Protect one small, guilt-free pocket of “personal time” earlier in the evening so the brain doesn’t feel like bedtime is stealing something.
Aim first for consistency, not duration. Going to bed at the same time, even if sleep is imperfect, usually fixes the 7-hour problem over time.
She’s stuck in a loop where the system makes the wrong behavior the easiest one. Once the environment and timing change, sleep usually follows.
This is super interesting and helpful. Any thoughts on how to handle tasks that evoke the freeze/shutdown response?
Hi Peg. Great question. Since freezing is essentially a survival response, trying to force action often backfires. The most effective route is usually to make the immediate task laughably small, so small it doesn't register as a threat to the brain. It’s about lowering the bar until the resistance melts away.
Thanks
When your chat notice appeared on my screen, I felt a ping of anxiety. You wrote that you had just posted an article on procrastination and hoped to hear responses from your readers. I am such a hardened procrastinator that my first response was, “I’ll read it later.” (You knew that joke was coming, right? Only, sadly, it’s not a joke.) I have so much respect for your work, admiration for your ability to communicate complex medical workings, and gratitude for how you’ve impacted my life, I felt obligated to read it, as painful as I felt it would be. Well, that’s a paradox, isn’t it? Why would it be painful, I wondered. Why wouldn’t I be eager to gain both insight and a strategy to assuage the cycle of procrastination that has plagued my entire life? This was my first clue. Something in me feels procrastination is necessary to live. It was difficult to begin to read this article. I knew it would dismantle a survival mechanism deeply lodged in my brain. But by now, I trust you have the best interests of your readers in mind. I trust you are dedicated to healing and wholeness beyond a brain’s deeply grooved misperception. As I do with all your articles, I transferred it directly from my inbox to my “Goodreads” app, where I keep all your articles together. But unlike any of your previous articles, I read it immediately, with highlighter in hand. The accompanying animation didn’t play in Goodreads, so I opened Substack to see it, and then read the entire article again. I will study it often. I learned I am genetically predisposed to procrastinate. I learned that, as a trauma survivor, I already have a large amygdala which sets the threat/anxiety/protection/procrastination loop in motion. I learned tools to interrupt its pattern in gentle, sustainable ways. For all this I am very grateful to you, Dr. Laurie!
Reading your note moved me deeply. First, please know that the 'I'll read it later' joke is one I never tire of, mostly because I know how much truth sits behind it!
I am so touched that you trusted me enough to lean into that discomfort. I am honored to be a part of your journey toward wholeness, and I’m so glad the insights about the amygdala and genetics offered you some clarity and self-compassion. Thank you for being such a dedicated reader and for sharing your heart with me.
I am thankful I did not inherit the tendency to procrastinate. If anything, I’ve had to tell myself it's ok to leave the clean laundry in the basket ,not for avoiding putting it away, but to give me space to slow down.
It is difficult to watch others postpone projects. I especially like your suggestion of talking to ourselves. It seems like our mind can hear and understand if we express our concerns. I don’t think we have yet learned to use our breath as a tool for changing our bodies' emotions. Being present and in the moment while slowing breathing is an effective way to speak to my body. Would you consider procrastination a habit that can be changed? Your research is saying even though it feels like it's hard-wired for some people, it can be changed.
Hi Nilah this absolutely can be changed! It takes some work but can be done.